The art of solitude: 16 useful tips for when you hate being alone
The time has come for you to master the art of being alone, embrace solitude and start loving your time alone.
Yes, solitude is an art in the sense that it is a skill acquired through experience, careful study and observation. And as with all other skills, you can get better at it with time, practice and dedication.
Just because you are alone does not mean you should feel lonely. You can be alone AND content all at once, even when you think you hate being alone or are not cut out to be alone.
Solitude is not the same as being lonely. Solitude refers to a state or a situation of being alone and is neither good or bad, whereas loneliness refers to a (generally negative) feeling. So, it is possible to be alone and not feel lonely. That’s why I call it the Art of being alone, or the Art of solitude.
The truth is, you are not lonely: you just don’t like being in your own company. You’ve also not learned to just. sit. still.
You are probably not seeking the company of other people because you enjoy their company. Well, not just that. You are probably seeking the company of others to escape the discomfort you are experiencing when you are by yourself.
What I’m implying here is that it’s not that you don’t like being alone or that you like other people; it’s that you don’t like being with yourself.
This is great news for the lonely souls out there. You don’t necessarily need to be with people to “get over” your loneliness. You can simply start learning to be comfortable with yourself.
Okay Mindy, but how exactly do I master the art of being alone? How do I even get comfortable with myself?
Well, I’m glad you asked!
Here’s a list of my best tips for mastering the art of being alone
All the things I did to go from being extremely lonely all the time, fearing of solitude and living in a permanent state of discomfort with myself, to actually thriving alone. I’m so happy now, whether I’m alone or with with other people. I’m happy and feel completely at ease with myself when I’m on my own.
Here’s how I mastered this subtle art of being alone.
1. Be patient: enjoying solitude (or any other personal transformation) doesn’t happen overnight
First things first: understand and accept that mastering the art of solitude and going from dreading solitude to being okay with it does not happen overnight and it will take time, especially if you are not comfortable being on your own right now.
You will not go from feeling sad, lonely, or cut off from people, to “totally happy” by yourself in 24 hours. Unless, of course, you are high on something, which I do not recommend you do. It will only create a bigger mess for you to handle later.
Learning to be okay with being alone is not a “quick-fix”. It involves patience, persistence, and self-awareness, all things you don’t acquire overnight.
Also, personal transformation usually involves setbacks. Things will not always go as planned and you will experience loneliness, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc., especially in the beginning.
Related post: Don’t beat yourself up. Do this instead.
But remain consistent in your efforts and have faith. The results will come if you push through the hard stuff.
2. Make mastering solitude your focus, and commit to it
It’s time to adopt a growth mindset.
Mastering any art or skill takes dedication and focus. This means you must give it time and attention and be ready to practice (and fail) every day. Mastering the art of being alone will not be any different.
The next time you feel lonely or dread being on your own, decide to do a fun activity with yourself and put your focus on that rather than beating yourself up and wallowing in self-pity.
If you keep whining “I’m so alone! I’m so lonely! I don’t have any friends!” every time you are alone, or if you keep your focus on the “absence of” (in this case, other people), you will never be comfortable with yourself (or it will be a very, very long road).
Want to master the art of solitude? Then decide, and commit to learning how to.
Related post: 8 Reasons why you never reach your goals
3. Understand and accept that it will be uncomfortable at first
When you first start doing things by yourself, you might feel a lot of discomfort, especially if you’ve always believed that you need to be with other people to be happy.
But remember, just because something feels uncomfortable or unnatural in the beginning, does not mean it will always feel like that.
The most accomplished virtuoso probably sucked big time the first time he or she touched a violin; same goes for any artist or professional on the planet.
Being alone with yourself is the same thing. It will probably start as an uncomfortable, messy experience, especially if you are not used to being on your own. But it’s only the beginning and it’s okay. Keep honing your skills and perfecting them. It’s a never-ending process.
4. Get comfortable with your pain
This means: get to know your pain.
Yep! Embracing solitude means no more running away from yourself. And do you know what happens when you stop running away? Your feelings, worries, insecurities catch up with you.
To be fair, your pain catches up with you no matter what, even when you try to escape from it; especially when you try to escape from it.
You just pretend not to see it and ignore it by diverting your attention.
But if you are going to be comfortable with yourself and start enjoying being alone, then you must learn to face your emotions, face yourself bravely. This means, let the emotions, feelings and pain come, observe them, feel them. Understand them and get to know them… like a new friend.
I know it will hurt at first but here’s the thing: once you stop running away from your pain, it loses its power over you. It’s truly liberating, and you eventually become more and more at ease with yourself and stop fearing solitude.
Realted post: How Do You Deal With Extreme Sadness alone? 7 Strategies That Actually Work!
5. Find ways to express yourself (poetry, journaling, blogging, painting, drawing…)
Learning to express myself has been a big step in helping me figuring out who I am and becoming more comfortable with myself. And I’ve learned to express myself through creativity.
Being alone is the perfect time to start exploring your creativity, especially if you feel like you have none.
Related post: How to become more creative even without any artistic skills
And if you think you have zero creativity in you, it’s likely because you’ve never dedicated time or attention to creative endeavors, such as writing poetry, painting, drawing, cooking, tap dancing, interior decorating, etc.
It’s not that you are not good at it. It’s just that you haven’t practiced it.
Related article: 4 Easy Creativity Exercises for the Non-Creative.
Start something, anything, but try.
Sign up for a workshop, take an online class, sign up for Skillshare, go on YouTube, rent books at your local library (or buy them) on a topic that might interest you or not. Don’t be afraid to venture outside of your comfort zone.
Pick something and work at it consistently for at least 4 to 6 weeks before considering giving up.
6. Learn a new skill
Finding occupations and activities you enjoy are a key way to becoming more comfortable with being alone.
If you dread or fear being alone, it’s probably because you are bored out of your mind when it happens, and you don’t know what to with yourself besides watching Netflix.
One way to get over that boredome and discomfort with yourself is to open yourself up to new activities and learning new things.
It doesn’t matter if you cannot yet see the “value” in learning Japanese, how to code in Python, or how to build a greenhouse when you are a bank teller in Michigan. After a couple of years, you might.
Just do it.
Pick something that sounds a little crazy, or seems a little beyond your reach, and that you can learn or practice when you are alone.
You might enjoy it. You might get good at it. It might even change your life. And it will definitely do wonders for your imagination and self-esteem. And you will have something to look forward to next time you have some alone time coming up.
Related post: How to turn your life around in your 30’s
7. Consistency: commit for at least 4-6 months
If you decide to master the art of being alone, then commit to doing just that for at least 4 to 6 months. Only once you commit to something over a long enough period, will you see the result of your efforts.
If you try being alone with yourself for 5 minutes then give up and go scroll on social media for 3 hours, or if you start learning how to sew only to give up after 5 days, or if you decide to keep a journal but stop after 3 sentences, you will never get anywhere.
And if you are someone who cannot commit to anything, then this is a perfect opportunity for you to practice, and improve.
What better way to learn consistency and commitment, than by committing to yourself? It certainly puts less pressure on your shoulders than if you were to commit to someone else, don’t you think?
Use those moments of solitude to focus on specifIc “alone-time” projects for a minimum of 4 months, and see what happens.
Spoiler alert: progress and being proud of yourself is what happens, and it’s magic for your heart.
8. Exercise
Mastering the art of solitude is about mastering yourself.
And what better way to learn to master yourself than through physical exercise?
You know you should exercise more. I know you know.
The question is not whether you should or shouldn’t exercise. The question is: why aren’t you exercising when you are alone, are feeling lonely, and don’t know what to do with yourself?
Oh… because you don’t feel like it??
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